you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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