I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize