I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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