Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
