i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm like, not good at living.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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