And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
