Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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