Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
