i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Welp...herpes.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
