I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
