he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
