i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
