He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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