Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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