I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
