i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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