So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
