I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
