You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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