im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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