i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
