I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
