You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
