five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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