Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Damn victory sex feels great
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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