Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
