what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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