if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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