Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
