I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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