so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
