The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
