Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
