Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
