Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize