She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
