I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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