my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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