I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
