Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
