his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
