I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
