I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
