The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
