get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
the liver wants what the liver wants
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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