Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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