So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
