Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
