i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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