I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
