she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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