she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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