Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize