just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
soo... how was my night?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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