Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
