No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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