im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize