Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
