I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
