if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
