So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
