I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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