ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize