I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
